Oh gosh, no, I didn't mean that Forgive me, please
by aheartmadefullmetal16
Summary: In response to two anon prompts on tumblr. They're both traumatized, sleep deprived, and jumpy in the wake of the Promised Day, and both say things they instantly regret. Oneshot, Royai, post Promised Day.


_**A/N:** This was in response to two anons on tumblr. The prompt list heading was "Dialogue Prompts" and they chose "Oh gosh, no, I didn't mean that. Forgive me, please." This takes place just before my fic "some nights"._

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They both knew the proverbial elephant in the room was unavoidable, and expanding with every given moment. Even without his sight, Roy knew that Riza was holding something back, and it was making her extremely uncomfortable. Seeing as the nurses of the hospital were slightly nosier than he liked, Roy asked, "Lieutenant, I know something is bothering you. Please tell me what it is so I don't have to worry any longer."

He felt her discomfort and hesitation for only a moment before she exploded into action. "Sir, how could you let yourself be overtaken by such madness? I swore to myself that I wouldn't bring this up until later, but it can't wait. What were you _thinking_?!" Her voice had risen several levels as she spoke, and Roy sensed her embarrassment at the realization. Anger bristled inside him despite his best efforts, and he clenched his jaw, willing himself to stay calm.

"Lieutenant, I had him right in my hands! He was right there, and I could have disposed of him- _Maes's killer_ \- and you didn't let me. How _could_ you?" Roy's voice was almost as loud as hers was now, and he gritted his teeth once more, his hands balling into fists on either side of him. "Didn't you want revenge as well? He was our best friend, Riza. We told him _everything._ And he kept all our secrets. We owed him everything, and you couldn't let me simply snap my fingers and avenge him?"

Instantly he knew he had said exactly the wrong thing; the air in the room grew suddenly hostile, and he was reminded darkly of the long months in Ishval. "Roy, how could you even ask that?" Riza spluttered incredulously. " _Of course_ I wanted revenge! I wanted it as badly as you did. You didn't visit Gracia nearly every day for a week after Maes died, _I_ did. You didn't see the despair and brokenness in little Elicia's eyes- she was only four, Roy! What kind of cruel world is this, that a four year old child has to lose her father so quickly?" Riza was stammering by the end of her sentence, and Roy's fingers clenched the starched white hospital sheets so tightly he feared he would wear holes in them. "Yes, I wanted revenge, but not like that. Not with the same method the military forced you to use to kill all those innocent people in Ishval. Not with the research my father created and trusted you with." She paused, and he could feel her steeling herself, reeling her emotions back in and trying so hard to be rational. He knew her so well, but that's what made their whole current predicament hurt so much. "I couldn't watch you give in to the monster you swore not to become."

"I already was that monster, Riza," Roy retaliated. "I've been that monster ever since you showed me those notes."

"Don't you dare," Riza snarled. "Don't you _dare_ pin this on me, Roy Mustang. You willingly read those notes and deciphered them and have been using them ever since. I didn't ask you to use this research. We both decided that you would only use these secrets for _good,_ not revenge. You've never been a vengeful man, Roy. In all the years I've known you, you've never willingly walked up to the gates of hell like that." She was shaking; Roy could hear it. The frame of the hospital bed creaked under her as she shivered. He felt the adrenaline pumping in his veins at her words and he could barely contain himself. Roy didn't know whether to cry, scream, or throw his pillows at the wall.

"What did I tell you after the Lab Three incident?" Roy demanded. He was playing a cheap card, and he hated himself for it. "I told you to never give up. Not twelve hours ago you told me that you were going to take the secrets you had given me and dispose of them yourself. How could you hang that over my head? You have so much hope ahead of you, even if I did jump off the edge. Why would you ever think that you would have to take your own life to rid the world of those notes?"

"Only because you couldn't finish the job back in Ishval!" she screamed, and Roy's heart stopped. The very blood that ran through his veins crystallized and ceased to flow. He heard her gasp and slap a hand over her mouth. His jaw dropped open of its own accord, and his breathing stopped.

 _So that's what she thinks,_ Roy concluded, completely numb. Ever since he'd had to burn those secret from her he had always been secretly afraid that it wasn't enough, that she resented him for not burning away the entirety of the array. And now he knew the truth; his worries and fears were confirmed.

"Oh gosh, no, I didn't mean that," Riza choked, and Roy was alarmed to hear tears in her voice, despite his numbness. "Forgive me, please. _Please._ "

He tried to phonate, but found that no words would come out. His mind was simply shocked and blank, and it refused to register anything that his senses picked up. All the emotions he had felt in the past twenty four hours conglomerated into one giant mass, and weighed on his chest like an anvil. Fear, worry, doubt, wrath, sadness, defeat, shock, momentary triumph- all of these things seeped into his heart and drained him, clogging up his throat and burning his eyes.

"Roy, please, I didn't mean it like that," she said, and he could hear her trying valiantly to stay in control. "I didn't mean it. Please, Roy, say something. I'm so sorry."

An eerie calm descended upon them both. The absence of sound was like the silence after getting slapped. Roy nodded mutely, his sightless eyes burning. No one had ever told him how truly isolating being blind was, for one who had had their sight and then lost it. All concept of depth and space around him had disappeared, and so Riza could've been right next to him or a million miles away and he wouldn't have known the difference. He couldn't feel the assuring pressure he always felt when she was there. He knew that some of the blame was his; he had been pushing her away with his words ever since their incensed conversation had started. But now that she was trying so desperately to come back, Roy did not want to let her in.

"Do you know," he began, voice low, "how it felt to look at you for weeks after that? After I violated you and scarred you and disfigured you? The instant I snapped my fingers to burn those notes away, I lost part of myself. I couldn't have continued, and you _know_ that. Do you know how hard it was for me to sleep at night, knowing that I couldn't grit my teeth and bring myself to just get rid of those notes completely to save us both?" He swallowed hard; the memories of those lonely nights were certainly not diminishing the lump in his throat. "Do you know how much I hated myself, how much I still hate myself because I was so _weak_?"

"I'm so sorry, Roy, I never meant it like that." Riza's voice was barely above a whisper, and the sound of it breaking at the end of the sentence sent a dull shock through Roy's stomach. "I know it was hard for you. I'm sorry. I only meant that you didn't finish because you didn't… you didn't want to hurt me."

Roy turned his head vaguely in the direction of where her voice was coming from, and he wished so terribly that he could see her. His whole being ached from her words, and his heart did not want to let go of the pain- perhaps he was a masochist hell bent on atoning for deeds paid for long ago. Nevertheless, a tiny curl of softness appeared just beneath his rib cage, winding itself around his insides, gently prodding him in the direction of forgiveness and humility.

"I'm sorry, too," he said after an agonizingly long moment. "It was wrong of me to use the power you gave me in such a destructive way. Even if…" his voice faltered. "Even if it was to avenge a friend." He swallowed hard once more, but to no avail; his face crumpled for a moment until he made all his facial muscles go slack. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope I never make you go through that ever again. Could you ever forgive me?"

Roy was amazed at how much of their lives and futures hung on those five simple words. After Ishval, he had begged for her forgiveness, and it had been so easily given. But now… would the words come as quickly?

He heard his beloved lieutenant and confidant sniff greatly, perhaps to swallow back the tears he had once again caused her to cry, and sigh softly. "Yes, Roy. I forgive you. Please offer me the same closure, I'm begging you. I can't do this without you. Can you forgive me?"

"Always," Roy replied, letting his anger go.

The nurse that had been attending to them chose that very moment to come barging into their room, and Roy internally groaned. Thankfully, she seemed to have been oblivious to their screaming match, or had simply ignored it. Either way, Roy was thankful. The nurse went about her normal duties to straighten them up and check on them, and then announced that it was time for the both of them to sleep.

Before she left, the nurse flipped the light switch on the wall, and it startled Roy that he could not tell the difference between light and dark. Nevertheless, he settled back into his pillows and pulled the sheets up around his suddenly cold arms. He heard Riza shifting around to his left, and a momentary surge of sorrow leaked into his veins before he shut it down completely.

"Good night, Lieutenant," he said softly, putting as much care and tenderness into his voice as he could.

"Good night, sir."

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 _ **A/N:** Leave a review! :)_


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